Day Nine – Meet Monique

This is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time. Yeah, but if you can take a chunk of those minutes just to pretend to be somebody else, would you? Is your life so miserable that you want to be somebody else? Do you admire somebody else so much that you crave to be them? If you’ve answered yes to any of th see questions, you’re doing better than me. In all honesty I love my life, it’s perfect for me (except the fact Dave Matthews is playing here). I wouldn’t want to change anything that might change my future such  as becoming somebody else, trying to be with somebody else, or even live somewhere else. All of the things slapped me in the face today as I participated in my day nine activity – assume a different identity.

Yeah, easy right? I can just be super man, right? No, not really, for one I actually have to work and for two I don’t have the right  outfit. I could pull it off though. I’m certain of it. But all kidding aside, I had to figure out  who I could seriously be the entire day. It hit me, the one woman that I’ve always looked up to the one woman that makes me empowered, Monique, the black comedian. She’s amazing, she’s talented and she knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to retell your time and time again. Bitch please, get your skinny ass outta my way. Yeah, problem about that, I need about a hundred more pounds and to be black. I wasn’t going to color my skin (I’ve done it once it was a pain) and I’m not getting a large suit, so I just have to be there in personality.

Believe it or not, it’s isn’t easy being me, but it sure as hell isn’t easy being me being somebody else. Picture an awkward drag queen at a nursery in heels Walking on gravel. That was me, Monique, the powerful black business woman from Macon Georgia. I’m single, I’m fabulous, and I take care of myself. I work hard and get respect for it, and my business partner, Jamal accompanied me for the adventure (enter Zips playing the part of Jamal).

I put on my business suit (which I own but have never had an occasion to wear it), pulled out my favorite peep toe heels, and rocked the world like there was no Tomorrow. I listened to Dr Dre, I had a plum instead of a banana, I even went to the park to have lunch. The interesting thing is that these were all things that I would like to do as Nikki but never did. Why I wonder?

Also, I saw myself as black, and incredibly enough, I found myself working with many people of my same skin color. Of course they had no idea that I was black, but  I did. It was interesting. I really enjoyed it and as I grabbed my lunch, very different from my norm, I sat to eat a normal person lunch in peace kind of.

Sitting in Cleveland m I faced the jogging trail and watched the people jogging by. To my surprise they all seemed so involved in what they were doing, I hardly think anybody noticed me. I felt invisible, however, in my world, I always stick out like a sore dick. It was odd, also, that as I worked my way through lunch, I found myself in tune with when I was hungry and what I actually liked the taste of. To my surprise, nothing that I selected was really that awesome, but I know for a fact I had binged on those very food before. I ended up throwing most of it away and then getting horrified at the fact my drink had calories in it. Enter old Nikki.

She stuck with me a the way home, and shook me hard, but I tried to wrestle away from her with my powerful attitude. It didn’t work, I found myself smack dab in the middle of a binge. Fuck, damn, shit, what happened. Monique, where are you?!?

She went out, apparently and I found myself in the kitchen sink as I had a million times before, all the while crying and laughing. It was an odd experience, almost like one of those movies where you see somebody possessed by an evil spirit. She manifested herself, and I couldn’t tell you why.

Wait, yes I can. Stress. I’ve been feeling really sick lately, nothing stays in my belly, I feel nausea all the time, and I have constant throbbing headaches. I needed comfort, I didn’t know how to get any. Damn, and that’s where I failed. I was sick then I just got sicker.

But not forever. I sank my toes in and realized that I am still Monique, I am powerful and I’m still in charge of my own life. Monique likes to eat good dinner, drink gin and tonic, and show attitude (don’t all powerful women?). Also, she likes to watch  star trek and dance while brushing her teeth.

She’s sitting here writing this, cussing the SwiftKey keyboard on her smart phone and rolling her eyes at the fact that Louisville is in the final four. She’s planning out her dreams, and they don’t include failure.

Oddly enough though, Monique took a stroll downtown and fell in love with her town again. The small town big city feel was comforting, but all of the young pretty girls with strapping young  men Walking  around pushing strollers made her insecurity skyrocket. Am I not desirable enough to reproduce with? Do all my dates see me as a hit it and forget  it kind of girl? How come nobody wants to make babies with Monique? Are they afraid they would turn out ugly, stupid or worse? Is it because deep in their hearts they know I can’t take care of myself let alone another person.

Maybe that was me coming out in that last sentence. The same feeling came over Monique as she thought going to the animal shelter and adopting a cat. I can’t even take care of myself let alone a cat. I’m a wreck. Sigh.

So even though I have successfully been Monique for most of the day, I’m still harnessing some ugly feeling that I think I need to deal with. I can’t be Monique forever, I think that’s called a multiple personality disorder.

image

Jamal with his business tie

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