Day two – I am confident and capable

I’ve started the day out in a perfect place, but looking at the quote for the day seems so tough. I’m supposed to think of ways that I feel confident and capable… I’m at an absolute loss. I’m in a dark place that prevents me from seeing anything good about myself. Blah.

Any suggestions? What do you feel confident and capable about?
I am to list five triggers for my episodes and think of ways around them. This is particularly tough seeing as how I tend to pretend that nothing is wrong when in fact I know my life is whirling out of control.

The first has got to be in the car, for whatever reason I have found that the car takes me the places I like to go and I also like to enjoy the things that I enjoy in life while driving in the car. (gee, that sounds complicated). In all actuality I really hate the fact that I eat so much in the car. It gets crumbs everywhere and leaves it smelling weird. I’m not sure how to overcome this besides just discarding food before getting into the car. New rule, no food in the cabin of the car. If I an to get groceries or something they go straight into the trunk.

Secondly has got to be Jims stash of goodies at work. Not only do I take without asking, I always binge on other peoples food. Why this is, I’m not sure, maybe I feel like I deserve the food more than others because I went through a time in my life where food wasn’t abundant. I feel an awful guilt when I waste other people’s food and always feel like I need to replace it, which I do. I think a proper solution to this problem would be to stop myself from eating other people’s food. But it’s so tasty!

Third is that I have a really big problem when Lee goes out of town and leaves me home alone. I think the lonliness and fear of him leaving me for good is too much for me to bear. It hurts to think back and realize that my life becomes such a mess when he’s gone, but that’s how it stacks up. I’m looking at next week and realizing that he’s going to be gone almost all week and I have no support in line. Instead of freaking out and failing, I need to construct a support system and get something lined up before it’s too late. I realize that Lee is very important to me, but I should be able to live my life without him.

I tend to bingw while going out for Mexican food. It’s a comfort zone for me, and I have many fond memories of growing up with my dad Making fantastic meals and helping him cook. There is something about the tortillas and the meat that make me feel safe and happy. Now looking at it I only over consume and feel like shit afterwards. The fleeting feeling of comfort is soon taken over by guilt and regret. Perhaps until I find a healthy relationship with myself and food I should stay away from Mexican restaurants.

When I’m bored I get chewy. This is a particular problem on days off and when I feel there is nothing more to do. I know there are zillions of things that I could in fact be doing, many of which I enjoy but sadly I lack the focus and concentration to perform these things. Recently I have been able to start actually engrossing myself in a book and enjoying watching movies again. With a little but of patience and some willpower I should be able to have a list of things that i want, need, and like to do. Although, it’s been so long since I’ve actually just been myself I kind of forget what I’m supposed to do.

Sigh, I have more than five, but I’ll start with those.

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