Today my journey takes me down a road that I’m very familiar with, bringing out the clown inside of me. The focus of day three is to remind me that there are so many things to laugh and be happy about that there shouldn’t really be a problem replacing negative thoughts with happier vibes.
Morning assignment – take a long hard look in the mirror, focusing only on your face. Admire and reflect on what judgements you make of other people.
As I look into my face I can see pain, and even when I try to replace that pain with a silly smirk or even a ridiculous face, the pain is still there. If I am to take the focus away from the pain, I can also see an awful lot of hope, almost a look of perseverance and determination to jump over this hurdle and stride my way towards the next. With every little sun spot that I have, I can think of the warm days that I’ve spent on the sunshine which have earned me these spots. I can also look at my face and realize that I have qualities from both my mom and dad. I have a strong set of eyes shaped like my dad but I’ve got the plump lips of my mom.
Upon thinking on how I judge people, it couldn’t have come at a better time. I have devoted a large chunk of my free time into reading the book The Idiot, which has had a profound effect on me. The main character is a simple minded prince that has had a rough start to life. Not only was he born a sickling he was bounced around from one family member to another. This paired with being sent away to Switzerland made him very out of tough with his motherland Russia. Upon returning, he was met with adversity, but the goodness about him persevered. With humiliation aplenty and negative judgement coming from all around, he couldn’t help but start making judgements of his own.
The book goes on, and instead of devoting this whole thing to a book review, I’ll just sum up by saying in the end the judgers, or so he though, became his best allies and for speaking the truth he found that re received the utmost respect from his peers. By giving everybody a chance and not setting out preconceived notions he was able to learn the true potential of people.
That is what I need to do. Instead of putting up a tough front and preselecting people that I’m going to like, I should give everyone an equal chance. We’re all fighting our own battles, some harder than others, and respect for that should be given. Judgement upon the masses shouldn’t come from a stereotype or what I think I’m supposed to be. Heck, I have said very recently that I wanted to be somebody else. What does that mean, am I really unhappy with who I am!?
In a word no. I just don’t know who I am yet.
Assignment oneish – When tempted with some nasty thoughts, type out your feelings and make sure you replace the uglies with pretties.
Ahh, yeah, fucking a. I’m all in a mess and all I want to do is chew on things. It’s tough, i’ve got these emotions that I can’t really work through, I can’t ignore and I can’t figure out what to do with them. I know that I’m not hungry, I know that food will only make me feel regret in the future, so what am I supposed to do? Assignment number one – write nice things, or even just write the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts but it helps. Such as I know that by going in and nibbling on somebody elses food I’m going to feel regret for several reasons. I have gone over this in my mind time and time again, and now I’m realizing that I can and should stop doing so. I slipped a bit, took a nibble, but I stopped myself. I’m strong and powerful.
I’m hating my body right now, it seems like my pants are a bad investment and I can’t understand why I would ever buy something that fits so poorly. Although I like them deep down, I’m just looing for something to complain about at this very moment. I’m being needly because I feel forgotten about and I’m trying to pay attention to myself but only know of bad ways to do so. I know better, I should give myself attention in a good way. I like to brush my teeth, I will do so. I have a confident smile.
I’ve stressed out because my phone camera won’t work to upload a picture of a check to my banking account. So, what’s the big deal? I’ve been depositing my checks at the ATM for how long and have been actually going into the bank for HOW LONG? I have had complaints about not having it work before, so why do I seem so surprised? I shouldn’t be, it hasn’t worked in the past, why the hell should it miraculously start working now? Sigh. I’m smarter than that.