“It’s okay if people don’t always agree with you or if you don’t always agree with them.”
At least that’s what the book says. I have become a very soft person when it comes down to expressing my true feelings, and sometimes with that I could flat out say not only no – but “hell no”. On the flip side of the coin, when I do decide that I’m going to be anti-something, I usually feel guilty and waffle on the issue. This, of course, is exhausting. This is in fact, probably why I’m in the position I’m in. I’m supposed to be able to be proud of who I am and what I believe in – it’s tough sometimes.
My morning assignment is to write about a time that I didn’t stand up for myself.
It’s too personal. I don’t want to think about it. Is that an example of me trying to hide behind emotions? Is this me bottling up feelings inside only to have them explode at a later date? I’m not sure. I’m going to continue to ponder on it. In the meantime, I have to go spend time being aggressive and active. I think I’m going to go toss plants around, see if they care.
After mulling about in some deep abdominal pain and a feeling of being uncomfortable for most of the day, I finally figured out what occasion I want to go over in which I was supposed to stand up for myself. It’s a little off the wall, but I’ll run with it. I’m going to say I wish I would have stuck up for myself when I tell myself negative things. If I were to allow anybody else to say the nasty things about me that I do, that person would more than likely get socked in the eye and have to get stitches from where I’d slice them up. Even though I’m not a very violent person, I have a mean side, especially when I’m hurt. I’m kind of like a cat, when I’m in battle I’m balls to the wall, but after I get hurt I retreat and hide until my wounds are healed. This attitude that I have towards myself is toxic, and I wish I could stand up for myself TO myself and just say “knock it off you moron, you’re a good person!
On a serious note, I have learned how to stand up for myself thanks to an amazing man in my life. He taught me how to yell, how to say “no”, and especially how to protect myself from the harm other people try to cause with their words. I’m not bulletproof, but I have grown immensely since before I met him. I didn’t have a voice, but now I know I do, and I like it. I like to tell people that they’re wrong, that they shouldn’t be mean to me, and especially that I’m worth it.
Yesterday, while I was monique, I strolled about downtown and was my worst enemy. I compared myself to everybody and realized that I felt like I wasn’t as good as anybody that I encountered. I felt like I shouldn’t even be out in the streets or else somebody would turn and laugh at me. I powered through those and remained strolling, all the while trying to talk myself out of the bad thoughts. It worked for a while, but at the same time, I don’t think that was my intention when I set about strolling. I really wanted to admire the beauty of the town – maybe I did – the human beauty. I think it’s more envy than anything else, I feel like everybody else has a sense of style, like they can put together cute outfits and all I do is throw a t shirt on. Of course I can change that, but I wouldn’t know where to start.
I need a personal stylist. I want to have cute hair, I want to look cute. I don’t like looking like this – I’m not even concerned about my weight at this point. Damn.
Another activity I’m supposed to do is to express a strong opinion directed towards something that offends me. It’s interesting, but at the same time, I don’t know where to begin. I think I’d like to start a letter like so:
To whom it may concern in the BMW CCA,
Despite the hype and accusations via email, I am NOT a spoiled brat, nor am I materialistic. If anybody knows me and could vouch for my charachter they’d say that I’m pretty down to earth and work hard to get the things I have. I wasn’t born into money, like some people assume. I don’t mooch off of loved ones, like some have accused me of, I work for what I have, and on the rare occasion that I have to ask for help, I make sure it gets taken care of.
Thank you for your understanding, I’d like you to see me as a normal person with a shitty job and a hobby writing for magazines.