Screw that, every single time I read this book and read over that phrase it’s like a slap in the face. The words on the page scream at me like a banshee “Your are not just a human doing, you’re also a human being. Allow yourself to just relax and be enough in the moment”. Dead on, I always feel I have to be doing something, even if it’s nothing that will ever amount to anything. My constant desire to be doing something for somebody is fierce, and the problem comes when there aren’t any people around to be doing something for. When that happens (enter dramatic music) that’s when trouble ensues.
I honestly think that once there aren’t any other people around, I feel like i have to do something for myself, and seeing as how I live a pretty dag gum pampered life I really don’t have much I can be doing (or want to be doing). It’s difficult because Id love to have hobbies that I can take pride in, but up until this moment there have been nothing but big divets of lost time in my life where disordered behavior has occured. I look back two weeks ago when I was on a binge that couldn’t be stopped – I was a freaking freight train barrelling through food. It was scary, especially when I realized that I could have been doing so many other more important things. I’m not Wonder Woman by any stretch of the imagination, but at the same time I can be helping others – especially at work.
That’s where I’m in my pickle, I’m a really hard worker when given an objective. When there is no goal, no target, no deadline I suck. I am a terrible self motivator (at times) and there aren’t many things that I take much pride in doing besides being as disordered as possible at times. This is a problem, I know this is a problem. I’m a thorough person, that likes to do things completely, but when I approach a project and find that there isn’t and positive reinforcement or pat on the head my mentality immediately goes to “eh, fuck it, let somebody else do it and not get applauded for it”. This is where I need to start being my own cheer leader. This is where I need to start being on my own team. Gooooo Meeee!
Morning Assignment – Imagine where in the world I’d go for a day of relaxation.
This one is the easiest thing in the world – pun intended. The most relaxed and at peace I’ve ever felt was deep in Pildammsparken in Malmo Sweden. Although I was surrounded by a whole bunch of people that I had no common bonds with, something about the serenity of nature in that very foreign country was comforting. I had no real map and no real way to know my way around, but I knew that I had to see that park – I wanted to see what it looked like at eye level, not just what google maps told me it looked like from above.
There was a tiny lake with birds that I had never really seen before. There was a castle, but a modest castle, not like those that were showy like in Germany. There were trails that wound through woods that seemed like every person that has every treaded there had things on their mind. I was at peace, I was alone (except for Zips, he was with me). I strolled through the woods finding myself. This was at a very up in the air time in my life, I didn’t know who I was supposed to be or what the world wanted me to do.
I walked, even through the light mist that had began to fall out of the otherwise bluish sky. It was still a glorious day, Sweden, even in terrible weather, is amazing. There is a sense of clean – not only in physical beauty, but in mental beauty as well. There is a feeling of happiness and gratitude for everything and everybody. There was never any judgemental glares, you never felt like you were in some ridiculous competition with the rest of the world, and in that park, I felt peace. I NEVER feel peace.
I walked until before me the trees started to separate and all of a sudden I found myself in this perfect epicenter of a perfect circle of grass, surrounded by those very woods that I had been wandering through. The trees surrounding me were perfectly arranged in a circle, however, they looked like they were supposed to be there. There wasn’t a single aspect of that park that seemed man made, even the castle looked like it sprung up out of the ground. For the first time in my life by breath had been taken away by beauty, I was amazing. It’s hard to really amaze me when it comes to nature, but this was really something spectacular. I couldn’t take my eyes off of it, yet it was impossible to take it all in. I sat there, looked in awe and grabbed the camera – then i realized that the world is far too big to be placed behind a tiny little cell phone camera lens.
I paused for a minute, just looking, people rushed around be doing their jogging, going to and fro, looking busy but content, I started to cry. There wasn’t anything like it that I had ever experienced, I was absolutely comfortable, I was relaxed, I wanted to stay in that very spot for ever. of course I couldn’t I’d freeze to death and some park ranger would probably shoo me off with a friendly wave of the hand. But really, it was something that I carry with me every day. I can close my eyes and see that perfect halo of trees around me, I can see every little leaf as it was changing color, I can even feel the mist against my skin. It was great, I want to be back.
I took some pictures, I will share them. Don’t laugh, I’m a terrible picture taker.