Upon doing most of my homework in my head, I realized that there isn’t really any comparing doing “work” in your head and actually putting words down on the screen (or paper I suppose). It’s odd, although today was supposed to make me think lovely thoughts, i found myself helping others more than I was helping myself. Throughout the day, even though I felt like crap, I found that there was ugliness that was in others that needed to be called out on it.
Negativity consumes most of us at times, but when it becomes self imposed “i can’t do anything right” negativity, that’s when i get bothered. I might have problems, I might struggle with my issues, but never EVER do I ever say “Ugh, I’m so stupid”. I always take responsibility for my actions and if in fact the outcome is different from the desired result, well, life goes on. I’m not going to pick on myself for mistakes, be them honest or not.
Silly, really, to think that I can call other out on their bad thoughts but I can stew in my own even screwier thoughts. The motto of “my life is good” for today couldn’t be any better. My life really is good, my life is fantastic. Not only am I propelling myself in positive new directions, I’ve got somebody that I’m madly in love with by my side.I can do it, I will do it. I love that person, and I’m also learning to love myself (without using food as a catalyst.
Homework Day Five – List 25 of your favorite things
Oddly, it doesn’t ask for an explanation as to WHY these things are my favorite, but hell, we’ll see how it goes.
- Warm sunshine on my skin
- Driving fast around corners
- Driving slow in little downtown areas
- Travelling both near and far just to see stuff with my love right there with me
- Going to antique malls and imagining where all that stuff has come from
- Riding on the back of Lees’ motorcycle when the weather is good and hot
- The rumble a good throaty engine at a nice idle
- Feeling a warm hug around my body
- Being able to make people laugh and then laughing along with them
- Listening to music that perhaps doesn’t make sense to other people but means an awful lot to me
- Breaking out into spontaneous song with my partner in crime, again, singing poorly, but having fun doing so
- Walking in the woods, or hell, walking anywhere, just to look at stuff
- Working out my body in a healthy way and pushing it to limits that are healthy just to see the incredible potential that my body has
- The memories of taking the trip across country in the shark and especially the desert.
- Being able to wake up listening to a train far off in the distance giving a little toot once in a while
- The sound of the rain on the skylights while I’m laying in a nice warm bed
- Kissing on my love and really feeling a connection. Not every kiss is perfect, but love always is
- Trying to write poetry for the sole purpose of amusing myself. I’m not trying to win any awards, I just like to rhyme (maybe I should have become a rapper)
- The memories of those that have hurt me and knowing that they can never hurt me again. Knowing that I’m growing stronger and more confident in myself
- My mom. Enough said.
- Spending time with Lees family, and although they aren’t my own, I love them as if they were. They’re incredible 😀
- Plants, not just flowers. An ultimate favorite is any viburnum of any shape or color.
- Diet Ginger Ale. It’s just so damn good.
- As long as we’re talking about drinking, a really good bourbon or a really good beer. There isn’t anything quite like a sip on a good burning bourbon to seal the envelope of a bad day.
- Writing in any way shape or form. I love to be able to express myself, and the thought of my new book being formed is something that just tickles me to pieces!
It’s actually kind of hard to stop after just 25. It’s also kind of interesting to me that when things are tough and I feel like I’m struggling so much, I seem to forget every single one of these things and feel like there isn’t much to live for. The suicidal part of me screams too loud to hear any of the happy birds in the background.
I’m also supposed to make a list of everybody that I have ever loved and reflect back on each and every individual. It’s too painful though, knowing that there were so many years of my life that I thought I was loving but I was doing it all wrong. Also, looking back over those years, the love that I had for some people, I have no doubt that they didn’t even KNOW I loved them.
Love is a tricky thing, and although it’s not something that should be thrown around like confetti at new years, it should be something that you should feel comfortable giving. I have confused lust and love too many times and that has lead me down a rough path. I think that same confusion of emotions has also led me into a confusion when it comes down to what is comforting and what will hurt me.
The love that I feel the most I fear to lose the most. I keep my heart pretty well guarded at all times, and when I do love it’s all or nothing. I’m going to keep on loving, and at the same time keep myself in check. There are a few people in my life that I am going to continue to love, just because I will always care. I will always love my Dad, but he cannot be in my life anymore. I will always love my sister, although we’ve had so many falling outs it’s hard to really work as a family. I will always love my best friend since second grade, Emma, but we’ve led different lives. I will always love Matt, but he hurt me, and then hurt me again, but I never gave up, I loved him as a brother.