Tammy Faye, Your Car Wants It’s Makeup Back

**Writers Note**

I found this in a draft folder on our Mobile Detailing page. Why it was written there, I’m not sure. It was also written back in November of 2017, smack dab in the middle of my attempt to crawl out of self-loathing, depression and closet (and not so closet) alcoholism. I hated the world, but worse, I hated myself.

This, is a bleak peak into the grim and grumpy person I was. Why I’m sharing the unedited version, I’m not sure. Maybe it’s because writers block as strangled my writers voice, or that I’ve been spending far too much time typing for pennies on the word instead of typing words for pleasure.

Cue the theme music:

“Hold on, Jenny, I need to finish putting on my foundation.” There’s a pause while patting and a clicking of a plastic container happens. “Okay, I’m back, sooooo sorry, I’m running like so late to my class this morning and I didn’t have time to throw my face on.” She nods in the rear view mirror, not really listening to what the voice on the other end was saying. “Oh, yeah, I know him, he was like a year senior to us, right? His daddy owned the dealership up the road. I think he was dating Amanda….no…not Amanda R, Amanda B. Yesssss, that one.”

Crash.

You’re driving your fucking car, makeup case in one hand, steering wheel in the other, and your phone precariously jiggling between your scrawny shoulder and your soon to be makeup slathered face. You’re a hazard to the rest of us on the road. You’re…well, not one of “us”. I’m not calling us a cult, nor am I considering us superior to you.

Wait…yes….I am…Why can’t you do that shit at home?

In a very comprehensive article by the dailymail.com, half a million crashes a year are caused by people doing their makeup. To be fair, when the article came out, it sort of pinpointed the cause of these makeup related crashes to being female (and in this world we live in, I suppose I have to be more PC and accept that there ARE males doing the same thing while in traffic) but I’ll broadcast the blanket of blame and say, “shame on y’all, do you think the interstate is your makeup studio?”

I’m so confused, I’m not even sure how to form an educated opinion on this. 1) I don’t wear makeup 2) I wouldn’t try to do it in my car, for fear of messing up the interior 3) If you’re running so far behind you can’t get the basic necessities of life in order before you leave the house, you should probably be fired anyway.

What turned cars into makeup studios anyways?

Anyways. I’ll keep my makeup application to the powder room. Actually, screw that, I’ll go about my business being me. I’m not going to threaten others lives in traffic to put on makeup while driving. In the grand scheme of things, this is a big deal.

Look at your lady, does she really need makeup? Of course not. So, tell her so and reduce the half a million crashes that happens a year because she *thinks* she’s prettier that way. Hell, put anybody behind the wheel of anything with three pedals and less than four doors and you’ve got yourself a winner.

Personal story: My hero was this woman, Yan…..and the rest is fuzzy. at AMP. It was an event where you had everyone racing at the same time. It was like an C/D/A/B then a school bus driver all at the same time. She and I went wheel to wheel, and she was amazing. I was rolling an E82 BMW at the time, all I could remember of her was that she had a blue 966 Ferrari and I got my bottom smacked. She was amazing. We finished our session and met in the pit.

“Fun?”

“Really? I mean..”

“You kept up.”

“It’s an E-82”

It was fantastic, she looked at me.

“Do you ever feel like you’re not respected as a driver?”

And sadly my living in the south crept in and my response was “Do What now?”

“You can’t drive with the rest”

I sat in a state of confusion. I could drive with the likes of famous people. However, I realized they wer expecting me to be a girl. Sure. N. Weed, female, BMW Bitch, writer, gag.

The E-82 survived, that night at least. My desire to wear makeup, negative.

4 thoughts on “Tammy Faye, Your Car Wants It’s Makeup Back

  1. Nikki, in 2014 we bought a well used but well kept 2004 Jeep Grand Cherokee. It ran great, looked new (still does even at 213,000+ miles), but the original owner had apparently applied makeup every day on the way to work. You could not read the symbols on the steering wheel control buttons because they were literally covered with makeup reside. It took many cleanings to remove that crud. The odd thing was the young lady was quite attractive with or without makeup, and her “other” car was a 1971 2002tii that she was afraid to drive for fear of wrecking it. She was selling the Jeep to get a down payment on a 2014 330i. As far as I know she still has the 1971 Roundie.
    Your distant friend, Ken

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