It’s been a while, and I wonder what you’ve been up to! Have you been drinking enough water? Are you getting enough rest? How about that weird spot that you’ve been meaning to get checked out on your shoulder that you intended on getting checked out? Has it eaten its way into your check cavity yet?
Have you knocked yourself out lately on a cabinet corner while chasing an errant grape? When was the last time you ran out of gas in the left lane of a twenty lane interstate? What about that instrument you’ve been meaning to learn, did you ever nail it? I haven’t seen your new channel on YouTube yet.
Are you still seeing that person, driving that car, working that job that you claimed you hated? When was the last time you visited with your mom or hugged your sister? Did you ever write that book you were working on?
Have you found Jesus yet? Did you ever train your dog to finally pee outside and not on your underware? What about that foreign language you were learning, did you ever ace that or are you still dabbling in broken German? Are you still doing snow sculptures?
Did you ever get the tattoo of a dolphin removed from your arm, or did you decide to live with it? Are you still cheating on your wife, or did you become an upstanding citizen finally? How’s that collection of hawaiian shirts that you’ve been collecting since your first Jimmy Buffett concert?
How are those chickens that you’ve been raising, did you ever get them to quit chasing you? Did you ever see a shrink about the terrible things you did as a teenager that you were having nighmares about? Did you ever embrace your son-in-law, warts and all?
Is your Daddy back in jail yet, or did he finally straighten his crap out and knock the pills off? Have you decided to go to the gym more often, even though your anxiety makes it really hard? Did you need someone to talk to about losing your Mom? I’m here!
Are you feeling better about your relationship with your mother-in-law, even though she wants to babysit your every decision? How are you coping with the lack of concerts, are you getting by with just live recordings? How’s everything going with your leftist viewpoints, are you at the end of your rope?
What about you, my right-leaning friend, have you done any rallies for Trump lately? Did you ever find the people that wrong you and allowed their dog to maul your face? How did you end up kicking that pack a day habit, I’d love to know!
How are you dealing with the lack of freedoms out there in California? Did you ever decide to join that local string band and play the Moose Lodge Saturday nights? How about your babies daddy, did he ever get the punishment he deserved for what he did to your child? I’ll listen if you wanna chat!
Did you ever end up kicking your Mom out of your house? How’s the dark cloak of depression going, have you been having any sunny days? What’s the last car that you bought, and what are your plans for it? I know you’ve got a heap of them, what’s a few more, right?!?! (Did I mention my shark is for sale again by the guy who bought it from me!)
How’s your mom doing after her snake bite? I know that has to be the most terrifying thing ever. Did you ever decide to move out of that warehouse and get a proper piece of property with hot water and a view? Do you ever think back to that day we shared a burger and a beer and planned a future?
How’s the relationship with your grandbaby doing, has your daughter let you see her yet? How’s life in the armpit of America, just kidding, you’re always awesome. Did you ever decide what your spirit animal is, I swear it changes every single day.
How are the flock of kiddos doing, did you ever get the oldest one to wear deodorant, or is he still stinking up the place. What new songs have you learned to play on that guitar of yours, anything I know? Why in the world have you been so quiet lately, is everything okay?
Where do you shop for your stationary, I know that kind of thing is your forte! Did you ever get that Toyota truck running right, or is it still stalling at stoplights? Have you tried seafoam?!?!
Remember that time that we planned on having a bohemian life and I had to borrow grape scented shampoo from your daughter? Did you ever figure out what was keeping you awake at nights? When was the last time you partied with Pinkie, is he still alive?
Is that right? How cool is that.
I wanted to offer a personal check in to ya’ll . This Coronus is messing with people, and I want to know how you’re doing. You – YOU!
Me, oh, I’m doing pretty good. Sadly, when I’m not guzzling booze and making bad decisions, I’m not as creative. This leads to a lack of blog posts, which I’m sorry for. I know, I’ve promised the world and have produced a LEGO.
I’m good, thanks for asking.