Wish me luck. I’m going to attempt to write for the first time in months. I’ve got a few things against me like the lack of a real keyboard, the fact that I’m in bed, and well, I’m just out of practice. I remember back in the days of yore I’d grab my fifty pound laptop and type madly at the dining room table listening to some music on my headphones as to not disturb the other occupants of the house.
I’ve always done my best writing at night, something about the soft light from a lamp, the distant sounds of a train, and for me tonight, the sound of drizzle on the roof. It makes you wonder, “where is that Damn train going, how long is it going to rain, and how long is that compact florescent bulb actually going to last.” I do not suppress a sigh, I wish I could worry about such trivial things right now.
For you see, I’m bothered by a thing I cannot see, hear or touch. It’s invisible (no… It’s not electricity). The human brain, what makes people do, think, or smell things differently. If we’re all the same human race, why does it have to be so difficult to be on the same page. Why can’t we all like the taste of asparagus and like the band New Riders of the Purple Sage?
“When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, or situation – some fact of my life – unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.”
-the big book
I’ve spent my entire life, or what I can remember of it trying to sync with what I though everybody else wanted, just so I could fit in. Let’s face it, we are all apt to do that from time to time, but it’s unhealthy for you, but at the same time in eases the pain you might inflict on somebody else. Think of an ugly Christmas sweater, you can easily say “whoa, this is the most beautiful kitty in a gift box knitted onto a sweater, I’ll wear it even when it’s not even Christmas!”
You know it’s a lie, your pulse will rise, you’ll feel guilty, but at the same time, the giver of the gift probably put lots of time and effort into making a decision on that sweater. Something about the sweater reminded them of you. Do you pervay yourself as the kitty sweater type of person, or have you told so many little fibs that that is now who you’re perceived to be.
I’ve done lots of soul searching, and the one conclusion I can come to on this are there three things.
A) in matters pertaining to other people (such as the gift giver) you must think before you react. Don’t crush people, but don’t start building yourself up to be someone you’re not. In the long run you will turn into a pseudo being that just manipulates their own personality to conform to whatever situation is presented to them. Think of a chameleon, do they even know what color they’re supposed to be, after blending in with whatever comes by?
B) in matters pertaining to places, remember, you can leave a location, but you can never escape your true feelings and skeletons in the attic. I’ve listened to many of speakers talk about running from area code to the next thinking the grass won’t just be greener, but birds will poop jelly beans and beer will flow through the kitchen faucet. Running away from problems is one of my flaws, but I’ve realized, the only way to chop the head off a chicken is first make sure you have a chicken in the first place. In other words, what do you actually have to work with?
C) in matters of situations, one must always reflect on how the hell the situation happened in the first place. What caused your success or failure. If so, make a strong mental note of upstanding downs. For Pete’s sake, if you know your “proven method” doesn’t work, quit being a dumb head and try something else. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Once you get the winning results, hold on tight, but periodically check yourself, there might be a newer better way.
What, if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you: ‘This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more’ … Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus?
-the gay science