“every night I have the strangest dream
Imprisoned by the way it couldn’t be
Left here on my own or so it seems
I’ve got to leave before I start to scream
But someone’s locked the door and took the key”

Feeling Alright 

Dave Mason (from the absolutely groovy band called Traffic)

I can sit here and listen to the thunder crashing around the neighborhood, I can see the lightning, I can actually feel the rain on my face if I go outside and subject myself to the sensation. There is an incredible feeling of being able to stay in place and observe all of those things from the safety of my couch. I have the option of becoming a slave to the weather, or I can decide to stay in and ignore the chaos that is the weather outside. The rain falls, the thunder crashes, and I stay here, indoors, observing. Every drop that falls, every lightning bolt that strikes, every rumble of thunder that erupts doesn’t effect me. It might as well be on television. It’s not real, I decide it’s not going to bother me.

There are some things, however, that aren’t as ambivalent as the weather. Things that absolutely strike me to the soul. Things that I can’t really explain, just a gut reaction to external stimuli. I can chose to stay inside, outside of the inclement weather, but at the same time, there are things that aren’t as easy to escape as the weather is. At this very moment I see my car getting absolutely pummeled by rain and lightning striking in the field near him, but I can’t do a damn thing about it….the weather that is….it doesn’t mean that I don’t care about the car.

Back up a moment, a year ago I was cruising in my 128i, my absolute dream car, without a care in the world, happy as a damn clam, not understanding what I was about to lose (this is where you cue the song Loving Cup by the Stone), I was a damn sap. I had my love (my car) I had ambitions (my new love), and I had inspiration (a new job opportunity). The problem was, I never once took a look at what was going on around me. I was so focused on what “could” happen I never once thought about what was going to happen.

I crashed that car.

I quit that job.

I understood what life was about…..

For the longest time I thought that life was going to be solved by having a faster, prettier car, that I would be a faster, prettier female, and that my career was going to put me on some sort of fast track to be a faster, prettier person. False. The answer was internally. There were a few things that I could fake, that wasn’t one of them. What?! A false personality? A different persona?

Yes, my dear, I was someone else. Living in shoes that were too big for me, and until you understand exactly the feeling, you have no idea what it’s like to be someone that’s not you. I loved the 128i, it was a BMW, something that my parents would probably never have as I grew up. I had a boyfriend that was in the medical profession, which was something that was new to me. Hell, I had a house on a lake with a couple of cats.. .  . .

At the same time, life wasn’t complete. I quit that job for a reason, I quit that relationship for a reason, and hell, that job was awful. I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. I didn’t know exactly where the light was coming from, but it was there.

“It neither picks my pocket, nor breaks my leg”

Thomas Jefferson

I can sit here and listen to a groovy tune..

“Wot’s….the deal”

Pink Floyd

Here’s the thing…this is the real Pink Floyd….this is what it’s supposed to be. there are many people that understand Pink Floyd as being a pop type band from “The Wall”, but no…..there are people that only know Pink Floyd as  poppy shit band.

Do you know Syd Barret?

Do you know he was the founder of Pink Floyd?

Of course not. Just like you, life isn’t clear.

Do you know what happened to Syd Barret?

Its a damn cluster, honestly, he went nuts, or so they say.

And Trying to find a damn YouTube video of it is ridiculous…..

As a good friend once said

“Chin up, chest out, buck up, fuck up.”

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