“With nothing of substance to bitch about.”
-Hunter S Thompson Hells Angels
And after all the time that I’ve bitched about every single thing that comes across my eyes, for the first time I haven’t a thing to complain about. Truth be told, I’m sort of unemployed and spending most of my time on job hunting sites. Also, in all honesty, I’m not exactly going to the gym as much as I should be, but at the same time, is that really that big of a deal?
In the grand scheme of things, that’s a pretty lame thing to be upset about. I woke up one morning last week with the most angst and sadness that you could ever imagine. I wanted to be a “pharmacy technician” (although, I didn’t really have any interest in it, I was sort of influenced). I went through school for that career, I got a job in the field, I wanted to cry. It wasn’t me, and for the first time in my life I realized that I didn’t know who the hell I was. I never did, I was so used to get caught in the whisk of the rush of the relationship I was in and go wherever I was “wanted” to go and who I was “supposed” to be.
“Like sending a goat in to tend the cabbage”
Hunter S Thompson
That’s exactly what you’ll get yourself if you don’t know what or who you want to be. Just like I didn’t know who I wanted to be, there is probably a goat out there that doesn’t like cabbage. The metaphor that was proposed was in reference to Kruschev and Nixon, and although I don’t understand the meat of the situation between these politicians, I can understand what the analogy is. If you don’t know what you want to be, you’re going to be what everyone else wants you to be. In this situation, I suppose we don’t necessarily know that that goat actually wants to be eating cabbage. Just like me, a floating female in the world didn’t really want to be a pharmacy technician.
So what am I doing now, you might ask? Being the happiest girl in the world. Of course I don’t have a prestigious job, I don’t have a title, and I don’t even have a cool story at the end of every day, but at the same time I’m not eating cabbage. This is all has to do with am amazing person that urged me to be myself. This particular person also urged me to believe in myself and emerge into the female I really want to be.
It was terrifying, but at the same time, to look over my shoulder and wiggle my fingers goodbye to an eating disorder was an amazingly referencing feeling. For years I was terrified of looking in the mirror, I was terrified as to what people would think of my appearances, and I was… Well…. Terrified of what I thought of myself. There were countless days that I would try to get dressed in the morning and after fifteen minutes there was a pile of clothes that I felt “ugly” in. It was a daily feeling…it was infectious, it was unshakable and I had no idea why.
It wasn’t but a day ago I realized that I felt “nonugly” for the first time since I was a little girl, and I realized why. I surrounded myself with people that made me “feel” ugly. Perhaps it wasn’t every single person in my life, but even one vector of negativity that makes you feel like a troll can haunt you throughout the entire day. Your life actually, and it followed me. If fed ugly. I WAS ugly. I felt inside and out ugly.
Waking up, without any glamor, no makeup, no fancy Jammies, nothing like that, I rolled over and felt “nonugly”. It’s not beautiful, it’s not pretty, it’s deeper than that. It’s an inside feeling, it’s one that makes me feel comfortable whether I’m wearing a six hundred dollar dress and heels or a pair of jeans and a shirt that I found in the dirty cloths. It’s an inside feeling that makes me feel “unugly” whether I have ripped abs or junk in my trunk. It’s a pretty interesting feeling.
I know you never actually “recover” from an eating disorder BUT with this new sense of “unugly” I feel like I can conquer the world.
“I could jump into the trunk and lock it behind me”
But you know what…. I’m not going to hide anymore