…Leave us alone to pine in our anguish…

“The surest cure for vanity is loneliness.”
Tom Wolfe

Sure, there are certain roads that are meant to be driven on a daily basis. Those that you find yourself aimlessly turning down and following the ease and flow of the traffic. The woman drinking her morning coffee (probably spiked with Kahlua to get her through the day), the businessman yelling mindlessly into a bluetooth speaker trying to make the latest quota, the old couple on their way to the doctors office to get their monthly ten point inspection. All of these people are on the road with you and you have no choice but to go with the flow, like a twig in the shoulders of a mighty stream.

You’re in your own world though, in your cocoon of a car. You’re encompassed and hugged by your bolsters and at the mercy of whatever audio device you decide to utilize on that particular day. The road is just another grocery store checkout line, full of strangers with their own stories to tell and battles to fight. These are the people you share the world with, these are the people that you share your life with, these are also the people that force some people (points to self) to rely on isolation to remedy the fact that some people are alive. Don’t get me wrong, there are some pretty groovy people out there, it just doesn’t seem like I have the pleasure of spending large chunks of time with them.

Upon reflection, it’s become more of a lesson in tolerance. I can sit down at work and cringe when certain coworkers approach me, knowing that whatever comes out of their mouth is going to be negative and tripe. Going to classes at night is a similar experience, although, I’m usually the one that gets on other peoples nerves. It’s a habit of being too outgoing, too smart, too much of an over achiever. That’s who I am, that’s who I’ve always been, and that’s what gets me in trouble. Pushing the envelope to the edge of being the “best” only to crumble and become a wreck.

“That doesn’t mean I didn’t love you, just that i didn’t understand you.”

None of this made sense to me until happening upon an email that smacked me in the face like a wet fish. It’s true, nobody seems to understand me, and that makes for a very lonely existence. I’ve been fighting it my entire life, and for those of you out there that have similar struggles, I salute you. I’ve grasped unsuccessfully into a dark abyss trying to find somebody that could understand me, but it’s a lost cause. I’m an enigma, I’m a mess, I’m a pain in the ass. It ruins my life, but at the same time, this is who I am. This is who I’ve always been, and to expect a person to change is a bit frustrating. Not only to the changer, but to the changee.

“And with pain and joy, their hearts learned to hear that double lesson which leads to a happy death.”

― Albert Camus

I however, am not quite ready to pain myself into changing drastically. I understand my weak points such as making plans and not showing up, and making plans and changing them at the last minute. For those that have fallen victim to this, I apologize, to those that haven’t witnessed it yet, be prepared. I think that was one of the breaking points of the Shark Trip, I had to be various places, people were counting on me, yet the entire time I just wanted to blow off engagements and be a flake. It’s my personality, it’s embarrassing, it’s me.

With these personality defects, how do you gracefully tote them throughout your life and not allow them to drive you to ruin or misery? How often do you, as imperfect beings, say to yourself “I should have done that differently”. Hindsight sucks, but living in the past is even worse. Blazing a positive trail towards tomorrow is the only way to achieve an inner peace with yourself even when there are naysayers in your life.

“The best way out is always through.”
― Robert Frost

So what do you say, let’s get out of this by continuing through one day at a time. Remember, isolation isn’t always a terrifying things – sometimes you need internal dialog to hear the things you really want to be said about you.

oneday

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3 thoughts on “…Leave us alone to pine in our anguish…

  1. Nikki,

    That was one of your best pieces yet. More than a rant, a succinct summary of a very complex personality characteristic. The only thing that I would disagree with is you thinking that you are the only one ‘flawed’ this way. It is not a flaw and you are certainly not alone. If you know someone that you think really has their act together, all that means is that you don’t know them well enough. When you dig down deep enough, everyone has their own flaws. The way you talk about yours is what makes you so fascinating to read and talk with.

  2. 1) Nice leg! 😉
    2) Didn’t realize the 1er was a six-speed. Excellent. Major coolness points.
    3)Zips says quit over-thinking everything. Really. He called me. Said you weren’t listening.

  3. Nikki,

    Great blog today. You are not alone. You just haven’t found someone who can keep up with you yet. Wherever you go, there you are. I’m not sure where you’re going; but, vicariously, it great being along for the ride.

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