“At such times I felt something was drawing me away, and I kept fancying that if I walked straight on, far, far away and reached that line where the sky and earth meet, there I should find the key to the mystery, there I should see a new life a thousand times richer and more turbulent than ours.”
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Idiot
There is a life beyond the one that you make your own reality day in and day out. We chose to see what we want to in places we think we’re going to find it – such as a toilet for example. You look to it to receive your nasty offering and it’s always going to do what you need it to do. You’ll always find it in a bathroom, and it’ll always look about the same. Beyond being a utilitarian sort of object, it’s also something that you can’t do without. There is no mystery behind it, and chances are you’re not going to spend the rest of your life searching out the perfect toilet – the perfect bathroom – the perfect experience. Why, though? How come as a population we’ve become complacent in the fact that what we’ve been using for decades is good enough, no real innovation is needed?
We’re comfortable. We’ve found our comfort zone. Something that intimate and personal isn’t really something you want to go messing around with, and just like our relationships with others and self, once we find ourselves into that comfortable routine there isn’t much of a reason to start finding mystery where there never has been any. Envy and preoccupation with self sometimes makes a mystery, but most of the time its a false feeling of discomfort. That feeling that you get when you find mystery would be the same as if you were to suddenly wonder what life would be like if things were totally different. The mystery of the future with nothing but uncertainty and turbulent times. The comfort zone that we enjoy so much isn’t ever going to be conducive to a turbulent atmosphere, but then again, do we really want one?
The answer is yes, we need that turbulence. We need at least a little bit of chaos in ourselves to grow.
I can only explain it with a very personal experience, and hopefully it will transcend into your life and hopefully inspire you to push yourself farther to be something else – even if you don’t know quite what that something else is.
I chronically run away from home. Actually, I consider myself homeless. I have a roof over my head, I have a place to shower, shit, and shave, but it’s never really “home”. I’ve never been somewhere where I feel comfortable enough to stay, and certainly don’t ever feel safe enough to accept that it’s my own. Everything always gets taken away from me eventually, and although most of the time it’s my fault, it still hurts. I run constantly, I run from home, I run from work, I run from myself.
Most of the time I know exactly what I’m running from, and will typically take myself into a different zip code in hopes that that feeling of escapism will escape me. I’m always running from something, but instead of running in a “flee” sort of mentality, it’s more a running to reach that sunset in the distance before it sets. I’m always running for fear that I’m going to miss out on something that will change my life. My running towards the horizon only builds who I am and the people I meet along the way are the food that my soul needs to go on. None of these random places or people would ever be found in my home, and even if they were, I’d probably not want to call that place home anymore. I’m more of a mental transient if anything, but responsible enough to pay my bills and go to work once in a while.
A modern day vagabond with intentions on seeing that sun fall a couple more times before my running slows to a jog and I’m without the means or ability to chase the horizon anymore. The mystery of my life is always hiding around the next corner, down the next road, or in the next random person I happen to meet. The loneliness of this lifestyle is crippling at times, and the only way to soothe that pain is to keep running. Within the mystery of the hunt, there is also the mystery of what you’re actually going to find once you get there. My life revolves around turbulence, and I tend to self destruct when there isn’t enough. Anybody that knows me knows that, just ask those that have loved me.
Chances are they’ll always love me for that exact reason. I’m too off in left field and unique to really be replaced, but in the same breath it’s a relationship liability to have somebody that goes chasing shadows all the time. Those that have loved me I will always love. Those that have hated me, I love them too, because they’re just road signs on the way to solving that mystery, the mystery of life.
The only time you stop living life is when you stop looking to solve that mystery. Every day is a new life, and the souvenirs you chose to keep are those that will weigh you down. The memories you keep, however, will help you soar toward that horizon.