Christmas Crying

I don’t care if you have to turn off the sound to watch this video, and I really don’t care if you aren’t a fan of this genre of music. This video has a point to make, and it doesn’t necessarily have to be set to a specific soundtrack to make sense. In all actuality it could be set to the song “Sunday Morning Coming Down” by Kris Kristofferson. (side note, watch that video below and tell me that isn’t powerful stuff) Hell, that might even make more sense, but that’s not the point. The point is that Christmas hurts sometimes, but then again, isn’t the hurt that we endure during Christmas the same hurt that we feel all year long? Aren’t our feelings just as important in the Summer as they are in this force fed season of joy?

Santa in this video has some issues, of course, but how do we know what he actually deals with for the rest of the year. It seems this holiday season just illuminates the flaws in people and make us wear a fantastic “holiday cheer” mask until it’s all over. Santa spends his days making other people happy, especially children, and with what to show. Effortlessly people are able to find flaws in the idea of Santa and never take the time to realize that what he’s doing is actually trying to help other because maybe, just maybe, he can’t help himself.

The beginning scenes of this video hit me like a ton of bricks, but of course I’ve seen this video plenty of times before. I could see myself as Santa, popping several different pharmaceuticals to try to numb the feeling of daily life. The look of the disheveled jolly man in red hoisting his suspenders to his shoulder isn’t exactly what we remember him to look like from all of those christmas cards that we see. It’s certainly not what we see on wrapping paper and it sure as hell isn’t the santa at the mall that we sit on and profess our need for greed.

The panic in his eyes can only be understood by somebody struggling with their own problems, seasonal or not. The snap feeling of “oh shit, this is happening, this is me, make it stop” is surprisingly realistic in his face. The issue of this video, however, is whether you believe those security guards actually exist or if they’re some sort of manifestation of a deeper evil that Santa is struggling with. I chose to look at those bully guards as sort of an imagery of internal torture, and in the inability to change who you are for fear of disappointment.

Bur really, aren’t people going to be disappointed anyways? This time of year especially, disappointment seems prevalent in the faces of so many, and there isn’t much gratitude for what people actually have. I could start a list of things that I’ve lost between last Christmas and this Christmas, but it’s not going to get me anywhere. It can, however, serve as a tool, almost like an invisible security guard, to help me fight for a better future. Santa found freedom once he busted out the door into the clean fresh fallen snow, which didn’t necessarily mean he was free from the torture of disappointment, but it did mean that he wasn’t going to be beaten anymore.

Fatigue during the fight for yourself is always going to be there, and if you chose to fight through it, you’ll find yourself laying bloody, beaten, and usually dog tired but the liberation of busting free is amazing.

Conversation with Mr. R:

“He pissed me off, I mean, the bastard was stealing from me. He didn’t deny it either, his response “well, how much could it have possibly been?”

I asked, “So, what’d you do?”

“I punched him.”

I looked surprised, “Where!”

“In the face, where else would you punch a thief?”

For some reason the violence made sense, it wasn’t that the thief deserved any less of a punishment, but the fact that he didn’t for one second deny the fact that he was a thief. I can’t for a second deny the fact that I struggle daily with an eating disorder and although I’d like to be able to punch it in the face, I know it will only hit back. Santa, when hit in the face, ran away from his problems and found his way to the light – but what he does from there is uncertain. Is he going to turn back and go to the destructive relationship he’s built with his persona or is he going to shed that red cloak and become somebody else?

This Christmas season, instead of absorbing myself in trying to seek the approval of everybody else, I’m going to work on self acceptance. My gift to the world is my quest for finding my inner self without pain. Santa brought me this video, and it brought me hope. To all who bleed emotional tears during the holidays, remember, everything is temporary, the season will be over soon enough. Tough it out.

I don’t usually quote the bible, but this excerpt is the best. It paints a picture of hope, but also a realization that just because you’ve avoided a schism, unless you do something to change yourself, the next harvest is going to be just as shitty”

“The harvest is past, the summer has ended, and we are not saved.”

Jeremiah 8:20

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