It’s lot to comprehend at once, I know. A bunch of stuff that doesn’t seem to mix together in any way shape or form. A bunch of stuff that seems like it shouldn’t belong together and even if they were found in the same place at the same time it’d be awkward. Yes, awkward.
However, I find myself dealing with all three of these things today and I like it. Not only are they all facets of my life that I truly relish, they’re all things that most people wouldn’t understand nor want to. We will start with the apple core. Let’s face it, I’m no longer in denial about what I was and who I want to be – I was obsessed with food for the past twelve years. That’s a long freaking time. I mean think about it, every waking moment worrying about what my last meal was, what my next meal is going to be and how quickly I can get rid of it. It sounds sadistic and truth be told it is, but that was the old me.
The new me, and hopefully the me that will inspire the rest of the world towards great things, could care less. My ex-husband never took the time to really get to know me, his response to my relationship with food was “Why can’t you be like everybody else, chew swallow and shit”. Yeah, that works well for Mr. high metabolism log flume turd machine, but not so much for me. Instead of focusing on how to get rid of things now, I’m looking forward to how I get them and how I actually enjoy them. Take for example my daily apple (they do keep certain doctors away). I decided to take every aspect of that apple and be grateful for it. The freshness, the crispness, the sweetness all of those things that would otherwise be lost on me. I was no longer anticipating the next bite, I was enjoying the moment that I was in.
Some people call this mindful thinking, I just call it paying attention. It’s incredible when your mind opens up what you can take in all at one.
That leads into this “hoop”. Yes, I’m a practicing member of AA – I’m not ashamed, if anything I’m the proudest of that than I am just about any other accomplishment in my entire life. I am able to discharge the shame and hurt that I’ve felt about myself for so long and realize that yes, I was powerless. Not anymore, if anything giving up and admitting that I was powerless wasn’t as difficult as it was for some of the other people I’ve heard speak. I knew it was a problem, I just didn’t know how to come to grasp the situation. As step one speaks:
Step 1 – I admit that I am powerless over my addiction and that my life has become unmanageable.
How embarrassing, right? How meaningless. I mean gee whiz, admitting that I am powerless over my addiction pretty much just wraps me up into a big bundle of loser, right?
Throwing up my hands and saying, “Okay, you’ve won, game over. I don’t want to play anymore.” has been the most empowering and awesome thing I’ve ever done. My life is amazing, I have the most amazing guy in the world, I live in the most amazing place in the world, I have some really awesome friends that help me out when the times get rough. Hell, I even have total strangers that compliment me on the way that I can bring light to situations. My life is awesome, but unmanagable. Picture it this way, you have a business and it’s booming. You’ve got profits, you’ve got dedicated customers, you’re looking towards franchising. You start that second store and carefully select the manager to take care of business when you can’t be around. That manager, the one you thought you could trust, lies and steals from you and runs your company into the ground. From a business stand point would you fire him or would you allow him to destroy all you’ve worked so hard for?
fire that bastard. Of course you’d fire him, but in retrospect that’s what alcoholism has done to so many defenseless people. They allow somebody or something to control the well being and happiness in life. It’s awesome, really, I can wake up in the morning and not even have a slight inkling to want something to drink and carry that with me throughout the day. I have mentally fired that bad manager. It’s destroying somebody else now, not my problem any more. After working through step one, step two will find you in a sort of spiritual enlightenment in which the best thing to take from it is to:
“relax, the hoop you have to jump through is much wider than you think it is.” I’ve gotten through that hoop with room to spare.
As for the hydrophobic leaf, in a depressed and antisocial state I find myself in my dark office. Along comes one of my fellow nursery workers with an innocent question on the reason why Indian Hawthorns die. Of course I could have just said “they’re shit plants” but no, I decided to grab that topic by the testicles and get on my high chair of plant knowledge and give a whole speech on the qualities of aging shrubbery and how it becomes conducive to fungal problems due to improper air circulation. I also went into the fact that newer cultivars have a better hydrophobic leaf to them and can repel water better so that the it gets absorbed into the soil instead of staying on the leaf to rot. I also went into proper spacing and before it knew it he was glazed over.
The response “So, it’s just because they’re, like, old?”
Yes, because they’re, like, old. That’s why Indian hawthorns die.