So, after a fairly long look into the philosophical mirror, I decided I wanted to change some of my behaviors. Instead of fall on my face and ass, I’d rather keep my face to the sun and keep my ass, well, right were it’s supposed to be. I’ve been beaten and bruised, had my heart broken then broken hearts, cried and then laughed, spent money and lost money. It’s been cyclical and tiring, it’s been a wild ride…but just like some rides it gets tiresome after a while. Stop the train, I want to get off.
I did it, I took the first step of Alcoholics Anonymous. “Hello, my name is Nikki and I’m an alcoholic. I’ve been sober for almost three weeks now.” True story.
I’ve admitted to myself and others that I am powerless over alcoholic beverages. I have admitted that I’ve been on a destructive path of self-hatred for quite a while some time now and I’m starting to pay the piper. The most comfort I find is being alone, which is almost unheard of from me, but at the same time I still have things to say. My new motto….”I don’t bake no fucking pies!”; a statement that I yelled at the top of my lungs during the first week of jumping on the say no to drinking bandwagon. I don’t even remember what the subject was, but somebody asked me to do something that I didn’t want to do – something that would be sort of required of me because I was female…long story short I ended up yelling at him “I don’t bake no fucking pies.” That was the end of that, request not sent. Thumbs down. Dislike.
Moving on from there I decided that this new empowerment was fantastic and if I could channel this aggression towards a simple task like baking pies I could certainly use that to fuel a fire to become a recovering alcoholic. I hold my head up proudly and say, “Yes, I had a problem.”
My daily life was surrounded by it, and now as I look back it sucked. It didn’t just suck for me, it sucked for everybody around me. It sucked for my job, my relationship, and most of all it hurt the most important person in the world to me, and that’s me. Not to sound self-centered, but I’ve realized that unless you have total confidence and faith in yourself and take care of yourself the way you would treat somebody else that you care about, you’ll never achieve what you want or need out of life. You’ll just wallow in your own self hatred and try to drown yourself in a toxic potion of white liquor and maybe even a flask just in case.
I knew I had a problem around Christmas time, I actually looked into going into a recovery center – but I didn’t. I actually called a center and set up an evaluation to go in and see if I could be admitted in August, but I didn’t. I tried and tried, but I couldn’t, I was too afraid of what people would think or say. That being the case, I no longer understand why I didn’t go through with it, I care about myself, but I couldn’t shake it. I had John Barleycorn hanging out with me, he was my pal, he was my comrade, he was my co-pilot.
As I continue on my path of becoming an Anonymous Alcoholic, I take this pledge to all reader-dom – the next time I take a drink, it might as well be a drink of bleach because the life that I was living wasn’t worth living at all. I can’t stress enough how relieved and how I feel anew. This was the first Halloween in a very long time that I didn’t wake up the next morning with a pounding headache. Sigh.
I’m working on a new book called “The Anonymous Alcoholic”….In Kindle Stores soon!