You can’t stay here

I sit confused in life wondering where the path that supposed to lead me in the appropriate direction is. Is it this difficult for everybody. My gut says run away and try again, my brain says I’m too smart for that. I find myself in very interesting situation that I remember from years past, I don’t want to go home.

It’s not the fact that I don’t love home an that’s where I belong, it’s just the feeling of wanting to be by myself. Alone, no static. No questions or answers. Just me, and Zips, and a dark rainy night. The same types of nights I used to get in my non water tight purple punk mobile and tear through the back roads of Pickens County. The same rainy nights that I would find myself driving up sheridan road along the shore of Lake Michigan. Rainy nights and headlights.

Each set of headlights, to me at least, reminds me that I’m not alone in the world. There may or may not be another lost girl out there driving through the rain hoping for the path to blow wide open for her. Is it going to happen anytime soon, probably not. But then what’s wrong with this path that I’m on now. I just need to have more confidence in myself.

Chin up, chest out, toughen up, damn it. You’re a weed.


Presidents list yet again.


3 thoughts on “You can’t stay here

  1. My God, Nikki, you remind me so much of my daughter and her insecurities! She was a straight A student from 1st grade all the way through an MA in History, scholarships all the way through college and grad school, and still can’t see her own self-worth. She is literally brilliant, but nothing she did was ever ‘good’ enough, in spite of the fact she was top of her class throughout her entire school years and was/is really well liked. She expresses her frustrations not with an eating disorder, but harming herself in other ways (cutting/striking herself). It’s so frustrating being on the “outside” and feeling helpless to help her other than encouraging and supporting her in her endeavors, and praying for her. I feel the same about you.

    Something I noticed about weeds….you can bend them, even cut them back, and they keep on coming back. Be a weed, Weed.

  2. Nikki –> I hope I’m doing this right, but I’m trying to reply “in private” (and as I recall, I think you gave me your private email address, but at the moment it is lost to me). I am so compelled to talk to you after reading this post. Believe it or not, I see so much of myself in you at that age, and I’d hate for you to become my age (58 soon to be 59 in Dec) and still not get “it.” That’s where I am at the moment.

    You are a wonderful writer. So poetic and deep thinking. I’d hate to see that go to waste. Could we meet for a cheap bite (until I get on my feet workwise, I’m sorry that’s all I can offer) to discuss? I know I don’t have all the answers, obviously, but maybe commiserating in a thought-provoking way could help?

    Call or email me: 301.351.3010 and if you’d like share with me your contact info.

    Florence (Polk-Schlossman)

  3. Hello Nikkin
    As a fellow Bimmerhead and Shark owner (well ….ex owner in withdrawals), I always go to your article first in the Roundel. I am always amazed at your writings and insight. You especially hit the mark in the October issue with BMW obsessions. Keep up the great work and articles…..and congrats on that Deans List.!

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