“There is no way in heck that I’ll ever need that kind of stuff.” This was me back in my early twenties when I felt like I was invisible and that the world was always going to be awesome. It was back in the time that I felt like I had no consequences, that I could drink Budweiser all day and not worry about a beer belly. I could lay in tanning beds for 20 minutes a day 7 days a week and never in the least worry about getting sun spots or in the worst case melanoma. I’d go on binges for hours at a time and spend ungodly amounts of money on fast food only to throw them back up again in a messy bout in the toilet. I’d make fun of my family and how they acted and how they were different than me. I would pinch every single penny I’d earn and only allow myself second hand rags.
This stuff is catching up with me, and it’s catching up with me fast. Approaching this landmark age, I’m not sure exactly where my lost decade went, but it certainly didn’t put in a very secure mental state. It certainly didn’t provide me with a stable foundation to build my future on. It’s all I can do but sit crosslegged on the floor and fold my arm across my chest in a pout, hoping somebody will come along and give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be okay.
The great thing is, it WILL be okay, it just wasn’t okay. The past wasn’t okay, but that was only because of my lack of understanding how the world works and how my interactions with people, places, and things build up to stuff. I was once in a very long relationship with a person who always said “Excuses build monuments of nothing and lead to bridges to nowhere.” It’s true, I finally get it now. I’ve been using my past as my excuse hoping that the excuse given will build me a bridge – but the only place that the bridge can possible lead to is nowhere. Nothing builds nowhere – or is it the other way around – I’m not sure.
I’ve been tumbling over my own thoughts, and optimistically I’ve been able to apply myself to the art of Landscape Design as a distraction. I’ve put together some of the most magnificent drawings of my life in these past few weeks, and really, I have to pat myself on the back. They are only awesome because I have been drawing for a long time and with every drawing I learn a little something new. These little nuggets of knowledge build up to one vast knowledge base that allows me to create awesome, the customer may not see the same awesome, but it’s there, they just don’t know what they’re looking at.
The same goes for the years that I’ve built up the same knowledge base towards more negative things, such as body image and self worth. If it were up to me I’d probably jump in front of a bus just to let somebody else take my seat at the table. Life will go on, but I’ve also learned along the way that my reality isn’t exactly the same reality that I share with other people. My body image for example, I think “eww, cellulite”. Some people might look at that and say “eww, cellulite, but that doesn’t matter, she’s a good person.” Another person might look at me and say “eww, cellulite, she’s a slob,” those are the people I shouldn’t care about. Obviously they’re shallow enough to judge people on the outside and not whats in the inside (although, I suppose cellulite is on the inside). That’s mine, leave it alone.
I have stretch marks and cellulite, I also have a heart that loves harder than anyone could imagine. I have a thoughtfulness that puts others before myself many of times. I care about others feeling and don’t feel that it’s right to have to step on people to get to where you want to go. I feel like if you want something you have to earn it and not expect people to just hand it to you. I expect people to treat people as people, not animals, sex dolls, or objects. I have cellulite, yes. I have stretch marks, yes. I’m keeping them, they’re not hurting you, so why should you care?