I have been known to distance myself from people, not because I’m antisocial, but because I’m afraid of not being good enough. Good enough for what though, to be a friend, to be a good listener, to be a human? It’s unknown exactly what I’m supposed to be in life, but I know that I’m a fearful person. I get close to people and for some reason I sabotage myself and the friendship by either acting a fool (yes, I’ve been hanging around some colorful folks) or just letting things go by the wayside. This hurts, especially in cases that I feel like people have been there for me and I’m not able to reciprocate the feeling.
Take for instance the whole Shark Adventure, there were so many people that passed me across the country, like a big mosh pit, and once I got back to the right coast I left them high and dry. i wasn’t even cordial enough to send thank you cards to half of them, but deep down I knew that they deserved much more than that. I mean, those in Houston that fed me (and my smarter half), those in California that made me feel comfortable, those in Hilton Head that gave me courage to push through the rain, all of them deserved something, anything, and what did I give.
It hurts, and i fear that now it’s too late, too much time has passed. I cannot go back in time and send those thank you cards, I cannot go back and send those emails, I can’t. The brutal words of somebody who has lost all hope. The words of somebody that doesn’t want to try. The words of somebody that is looking for excuses. Am I really looking for excuses though, am I really trying to give myself a pardon?
It’s a guilt, a terrible feeling of knowing that I should have done something but failed, miserably, and need some sort of restitution to make up for it. I miss my people, both current and past, shark trip and otherwise, and I don’t know how to reconnect. Those that claim to be friend should forgive me right? Those that know that I’m a loose cannon will understand, right?
Until I get up the courage I’ll work on it one person at a time, starting with one of the most important people in the world to me, my sister. Although we have our differences, I feel that we still have a very common bond. I fear that my friend, my sister, has drifted away to an extent that we’ll never see eye to eye again and never be the friends that we once were. This is my fear, just like the fear of loosing my friends from the shark trip. My shark people, however, have much more in common with me though. I feel like I HAVE to be my sisters friend. I feel like I HAVE to like my sister.