Although it’s a little slow to start, we’re getting places!
Zips hates typing. He has no fingers. He also hates trying to update the website from a crummy app on his smart phone that doesn’t upload all of his little bee body.
The past couple of pictures of Zips haven’t been complete, but I assure you, he’s still in tact.
As for me, I’m doing quite well. Carrying Zips along throughout the journey of life isn’t exactly an easy thing. He has demands, lots of them. What a pain, all the time with the need for honey, need for attention and that ever smiling little face of his.
I get jealous, honestly. Why can’t I have that eternal smile on my face? Why can’t I be that blissful and ignorant of the world around me and just keep a happy face no matter how much I get thrown around or if I get left out in the cold overnight. Oh, that’s right, I’m human, and that’s a good thing, right? Maybe so, but…
There are certain human qualities that I’d like to do away with and replace with a Zips like mentality. He’s a happy little bee and doesn’t much care what is going on around him. He’s easy going, I however, seem to buck the system whenever I can and almost look for things to frown about. At the same time, he keeps his soft exterior, but also keeps his emotions under control. (Uh, duh, he’s a stuffed bee, of course he keeps his emotions under control). At the same time, I look at myself in the mirror and see certain times that perhaps I fly into emotional rages and wish that I had more emotional control. Why don’t I?
Easy, because I’ve been telling myself that I don’t have it. I’ve convinced myself that I am a failure at things – such as overcoming an eating disorder – and take that knowledge as fact. In fact, I’ve taken it to be the gospel so much it’s hard for me to see the world without an eating disorder. There is this subconscious level of me that only knows wrong, and envies those that know right. How, pray tell, do you change that subconscious level of awareness? It starts with the awareness of that which happens around you.
Your external stimuli – what you’re experiencing around you will lead to what you concieve is happening which will get stored away for future use. Case in point, I know and have taken to fact that whenever I go into the Fresh Market I will be triggered in some wild binge that I cannot control. I can also look at the Fresh Market as the same place that I go when I’ve been neglecting my body and have gone into starvation mode. How can one place serve both sides of the pendulum and be effective at both? Easy, because my mind knows it will work, but my mind DOESN’T know that the Fresh Market can also be a safe place. Take a deep breath, it could even be a normal old grocery store.
Although, no grocery stores are innocent in my book. They’re full of all kinds of temptation and goodies that I can stuff whatever emotions I might be having at the time. Happy? Celebrate with a mouth full of whatever you grab out of the bulk bin. Angry and can’t elaborate as to why? Cram some cookies in your mouth and choke down the pain. It’s frustrating, but at the same time, it shouldn’t be. The simplistic way of thinking about it is to think “Well, it’s just a grocery store, right?”
Wrong. It would be like saying that Zips is just a stuffed bee. He’s not, he’s an inanimate object, yes, but at the same time he has a persona, he has a spirit, he has a subconscious part of my brain in his grasp. I can look to Zips and see that same comfort as I do with the Fresh Market, but not feel like I have to choke him down. I have never tried to eat Zips (and hopefully the feeling will remain mutual). I also, don’ t feel like I have control over my subconscience urge to self sabotage. I can see the reflection in the mirror, why do I want to bust it up?
Easy, again, my conscience brain sees wrong – I’ve taken to heart that the reflection in the mirror is wrong. It’s wrong no matter what appears. It could be fat, acne ridden, messy hair, you name it, it’ll never be right. The reason is that my brain doesn’t ever acknowledge that there IS a right. If anything it will always be wrong, and the only way to fix that is to trick myself. Fake it till you make it I always say.
So now Zips and I sit here in College, spending a god awful large amount of money to become something different. We’re both smiling, although I doubt that either of us are really happy. he’s stuffed into a Zebra striped bookbag and I’m in some scrubs with shoes on that hurt my feet. I’m done with my work and feel like I’m too smart for these classes. I feel like I’m among peers that don’t like me because I have confidence. I feel like I’m being judged for having proper English, I feel, I feel, I feel.
That’s the point, I have to stop feeling things that don’t matter and focus on the things that do. I have to stop focusing on the people that have no direct impact on me and focus on those that can actually make a difference in my life – like myself and those around me that honestly love me for who I am, not what I can provide.
I can also look down and see myself with a spilled Coke Zero all over the front of my scrubs. What does this signify? That I don’t take my time and slow down and see what’s happening around me. I rush and approach the entire world as a break neck speed race. Leave the speed for the car, and let my brain putter on at a more reasonable pace.
Sigh, I think I write this stuff because I crave attention. How can I give myself that same attention?