Holy breakthrough, Batman. I’ve made some sort of progress when I least expected it, and I give credit to a very obscure location.
At school last night, in a class that I admittedly thought I was going to hate, I was brought up to speed on the true potential of who I am and what I am capable of. Not only was I told that I could do whatever I would like to do with life, but also that I’m the only one that holding me back. Could that be true though, I mean, I like blaming everybody else, how could it be that I’m to blame? I don’t want to be at fault, but then again, I am master of my controls.
In Learning Framework 1010 at Virginia College, a movie was played with a charismatic motivational speaker. At first he was as cheesy as the state of Wisconsin but I couldn’t help but listen. He had something to tell me, and I was listening. He said the word “scotoma”, in a psychological sense. This is a blind spot, if you would, of what you’re capable of but you’ve blocked out because you’ve told yourself you couldn’t do it. I “can’t”, the famous last words of every loser out there. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to realize that I have a blind spot. After all that looking over my left shoulder that I do while driving, I’ve never really thought about having one in my brain.
Then again, the brain is a very tricky place, and mine seems a little more complicated than the stereotypical brain.
So, arriving at work today I realized I was angry. I made the statement that I was angry, I even went as far as to say that I feel so angry I want to chew on things (aka binge). So, what do you know, my blind spot appeared and I realized that I had a problem dealing with emotions. The problem is not because I’m not capable of it, but because I tell myself the wrong reaction to take. I’m hungry that means I have to chew on something, there are no other options. This is wrong, very wrong. Whatever it is that is making me angry will never be fixed and if anything I’ll just have regret later. My blind spot is crippling me, and it’s making me an insecure individual.
Screw you, scotoma, I say.
After realizing this, I’m looking at my anger and I realized that as soon as I grabbed that first morsel of food, I was looking at it as medicine for my pain. My blind spot was in the way of letting me get to the root of the problem, my blind spot was masking reality. Maybe, just maybe, my entire life has been in a blind spot. Sigh.
That’s it, I’m going to work my way through these voids of no vision and work on self improvement. It’s tough, but so am it (in the past I’ve called myself weak).
Wish me luck.