Today Is Love Day, F*&$% That

I’m working through this two week program, yes.

I’m trying my absolute hardest to do everything that I’m supposed to do to get in touch with my inner feelings and all that jazz.

I’m doing a great job at identifying when I need to seek out support and when to avoid situations.

I can really relate to race  cars sometimes. You feel like the only way you can compete is if you get sponsored and have a bunch of logos all over you. If you have the wrong logo, people are going to immediately hate you. Take for example the Falken Tire Porsche - I don't like Falken tires so I immediately don't like the racing car or driver. i don't even give it a chance, I make an assessment on what's on the outside, not what's on the inside.

I can really relate to race cars sometimes. You feel like the only way you can compete is if you get sponsored and have a bunch of logos all over you. If you have the wrong logo, people are going to immediately hate you. Take for example the Falken Tire Porsche – I don’t like Falken tires so I immediately don’t like the racing car or driver. i don’t even give it a chance, I make an assessment on what’s on the outside, not what’s on the inside.

I’m doing everything right, but holy crap, love day is difficult when you have to deal with such brain dead morons. My emotion, aggravation, my response to aggravation, shaking my fist and wanting to chew on something – enter the world of being an adult, right? I mean, I understand every day is going to have it’s shares of ups and downs, but this is incredible. This is too much. My “emotion” right now is leave me alone.

One of the activities today is to list the things that I love – people, places and things. I kind of want to start by listing all the things that I don’t love and try to figure out where the hell that silver lining is. It’s even more aggravating because I started the day with excellent momentum. I was positive, happy, optimistic that I was going to knock that eating disorder ball out of the park. I was going to score a home run now I’m shaking my fists in the air saying cuss words. I don’t cuss. I really don’t.

One of my assignments today (assignments differ from activities) is to look at different objects in which you have a reflection in and take note on what your mood is and why it changes.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all? Is it me that I see staring back at me? Eh, maybe. It’s different though. When I look into a mirror I never know what I’m going to get. Yesterday, for example, I really thought I had it going on. I felt confident, I felt good in my skin and maybe even, dare I say, attractive. I went most of the day with my head held high and a happy face. I was absolutely blissful. I did catch my reflection in the window at the movie theatre and boy, I was even checking myself out. Today, I’m the same person but I feel different, why is that?

I can look at the mirror in my bathroom at home and I just have to smile, no matter what the reflection is. There are so many happy memories with that mirror, brushing teeth with my love every morning. Taking awesome jacuzzi baths, heck, even that really bad painting that my supposed “Uncle Tony” did back in the thirties. All of those things are happy, and it makes that mirror a happy place. The mirror at work in the bathroom, however, is a different story. All I can do is look in that mirror and see almost 8 years of throwing up in that sink. I can look at that mirror and see all the times I’d go in there and flush my food down the toilet when I was anorexic. I look in that mirror and I see pain. Lots and lots of pain. How is it that my reflection can be so different in the same reflective glass?

Emotions, easy as that. My negative emotions that bind me to the bathroom at work are bad enough that I’d rather not go in that bathroom at all. Every time I look at it I have a sudden urge to bury my hands in my head and weep. It’s a bad place, for all the times that people have tried to call me out and tell me not to do it, I did it anyway. I did, however, make a proclamation that I would never throw up in that sink again – and that promise I made and will keep. My emotions are too strong and there are way too many things to do instead. Besides a body that loves themself doesn’t try to self destruct.

I’m going to try, in vain, to go into that bathroom, look at myself in that mirror and appreciate what I see. I’m not going to look at the sink, I’m not going to look into the mirror and see the past, I’m only going to look into that mirror and see the future. My future is love, and love is happy. Although love day is teaching me that I’m worthy of love, I’m still working that through. If only I can get that whole loving everybody else, even the pains in the butts, then my life will be so full of love I might puke, just because I’m too full of love.

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