Today, March 29th, I’m sitting here trying to talk myself out of cramming my face mindlessly with something to fill the hole in my soul where my emotions used to be. I’ve been so wrapped up in this pursuit that I’ve kind of neglected other aspects of my life – like nail polish and flossing. These things, of course, aren’t things that you consciencly think of other people doing, but they do (or at least some of them are supposed to).
On the flip side of that very coin, there are certain people out there (which I’m aware exist, especially because I’m reminded in my daily quote that “I’m not alone”). There are people out there everywhere that have their own problems and we, as a population, are not alone. Although, I suppose at times I wish I were. Times that I forget to floss and really want to just dig my nasty old fingernail between my teeth to dislodge some tasty morsel of something or other. See how they kind of go together, fingernails and eating; being alone and having fingernails. Sigh, it’s a stretch, but it’s okay. I’m flexible.
At the same time I have looked through the contacts in my phone and realized that 99% of these people know what I’m going through but don’t know HOW to help. It’s not as easy as “just eat a pizza and get on with your life”. It’s tough for somebody in my position to really tell other people how to help me – hell – if I knew the solution to that I’d help my own damn self. Not only is it a frustrating process, it’s time consuming. It’s especially crappy when you reach out to those that really want to help but don’t know how and then it just ends up you bring them down with you. They get a complex because they don’t know HOW to help. The sheer existence of people doesn’t necessarily make things better, and that old saying that it’s hard to binge in front of people is something that after about ten years of doing so you kind of get over.
I’m also aware that for all the other people out there that are having the same predicament and struggling through “not being alone”, it’s easy to just throw up your hands and say “well, at least I have screwed up company”. But you don’t really. I mean, when was the last time you got together with your eating disorder friends and hand an episode together. It’s not quite like drinking or doing drugs that is a social addiction, it’s more of an antisocial addiction. It’s a pain in the ass, and for those who have suffered or watched other people suffer through it, it’s really crappy. Not only does your whole addiction thrive on being alone, it almost begs you to cast away the ones you love because you want more time to visit with your eating disorder.
That being said, when I came across this on one of my recovery sites, it rang a bell. Not really for me, because I kind of feel like I’m going to be stubborn about being fat – but to those of you that are trying to help people like me. Reading this quote, it makes sense to most people, pretty straight forward huh? To people like me that are fighting with rationality, we would sit there and argue with you that in fact we ARE fat and we CAN be fingernails. Just remember, dealing with somebody that is as messed up as an Eating Disordered veteran can be – we don’t think straight, so don’t expect us to rationalize.